THE DEVIL I KNEW

PART I — THE MIRROR

Mirror Mirror

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Mirror mirror on the wall 

Tell me, am I saint or sin? 

Do I stumble, do I stall

When temptation pulls me in? 

Angels wings or serpents tail

Which one suits me best? 

Do I walk along the righteous trail

Or delight in sins confessed? 

Divine or depraved

Half master, half maid

It’s virtue I parade

In this self made masquerade

Mirror mirror 

Don’t be cruel 

Whisper softly as you sting

Am I wise, or just a fool? 

Mistaking crowns for kings 

Mirror, what’s the truth? 

Answer if you dare

For the devil I knew, my dear

Can be found anywhere

[“Unfortunate coincidence”, Written by Dorothy Parker]

By the time you swear you’re theirs,
Shivering and sighing,
And they vow their passion is
Infinite, undying—
Friend, make a note of this:
One of you is lying….

Won’t Make It Out Alive

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

A flicker of danger, 

With a gleam behind those eyes

Familiar stranger 

Known him since I first learned to lie 

Feels like a freight train tearing up and down my spine

I’m barely breathing 

Step by step, we’re out of time

But if he keeps on coming, 

I won’t make it out alive 

A voice like velvet

Laced with smoke, whiskey, and cash

A laugh like thunder

And a big temper to match

One foot on the bedpost

And the other’s out the door

Sirens sing warning

Babe keep your ear to the floor 

But if he keeps on coming 

I won’t hold back anymore 

Oh, and now we’re keeping score

Well, a deck of cards I’m dying to play

not the gambling type, but I’ll risk it today 

I’ll give you my spade — if you deal me your ace

The dealers laughing, 

Cuz he knows that I’m all in 

I’ve thrown a wild card just to match his crooked grin

We’re a storm rolling in on restless tides

A sailors warning, this will be tough to survive 

Yet, he keeps on coming

Yes, he keeps on coming

And I’m down to take the ride

I won’t make it out alive 

I Dare You (Call My Name)

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Can we dream for a minute? 

I don’t know what you’ve done, but you did it 

Time is flying and we’re well within it

I don’t know when you aimed, but you hit it. 

I’m still humming

You’re really something 

Don’t you lie and say it’s nothing 

Don’t know you when you found the time but you built this and I’m living in it 

This fire comes once a lifetime 

So I dare you to feed the flame

Dare you to stake your claim

On my heart

Cuz it ain’t easy; love and war 

When we’ve both been here before 

But I’m yours

If you call my name. 

Tell me to jump and I’ll leap it 

Beg me to steal and I’ll thieve it 

I don’t know where we’re going, but I’ll map it out if you ask me out because I feel this   

Loving you is like loving the moon 

A photo can’t capture the heart space you rule 

Maybe we’re been headed in the wrong direction 

As I’ve mentioned 

I’m on this train with you 

So I dare you to feed the flame 

Dare you to stake your claim on my heart

Cuz it ain’t easy love and war

When we’ve both been here before 

But I’m yours if you call my name

Call it.   Call it. 

I’m on this train too 

So I dare you to feed the flame 

Dare you to stake your claim on my heart

Cuz it ain’t easy love and war

And we’ve been through every storm 

And I’m yours if you call my name

He’s a Demon, He’s a Devil, He’s a Doll

Lyrics: Nicole Zuraitis & Don Reye

Music: Harold Spina

Everyone tells me he's no good

He doesn't love me like he should

I would forget him if I only could

He's a demon, he's a devil, he's a doll

That man can look me in the eye

And tell the biggest, sweetest lie

And I forget that lipstick on his tie

He's a demon, he's a devil, he's a doll

Sometimes I swear its the end

and I won’t be fooled again

And that I’ll finally tell him off real bad

But then he flashes that grin

And reels me back in

And I forget why I’m mad

I ought to tell him "drop dead!"

But I keep loving him instead

My momma must have dropped me on my head

He’s a darling, he’s a dreamboat, he’s a dog.

Sometimes he sins and sanctifies

Then shows up late with alibis 

I still fall for those eyes

He’s a darling, he’s a dreamboat, he’s a dog!

I had the measles at two, the chicken pox and the flu

And boy the whooping cough was grim

I had the itches and mumps, and poison ivy in clumps

To top it off I’m stuck with him!

He's a palooka, a brute

He’s crazy and he's cute

Why do I love a man I ought to shoot

He's a demon, he's a devil, he is a dog.  

He’s a demon. He’s a devil. He’s a dog. 

PART II — THE MARTYR

“THE MERMAID” by JOHANNA TELANDER

I always knew I loved you more,

Endlessly—

To abandon.

Deeper than the ocean,

While you stayed close to shore.

You waded, ankle-deep,

While I dove headfirst—

in a reckless sweep 

In waters uncharted

I placed my hope,

Draped around your anchor,

Like Untested, (naive) rope.  

I learned to breathe

In turbulent currents,

For you I stayed serene—

Your gilded mer-queen

A saint must be a martyr first.

And I drowned—

So willingly.

Sinking like pearled beads

In hidden, salted tears.

When winter came,

Swiftly, unanswered 

You took your care away.

I joined the wreckage—

Another myth,

Another lost fleet,

A shadow

A fable 

Once formidable,

Now only proof

I disappeared

And (oh), how willingly.

Be careful what you wish for. 

Two Steps Back (The Overlap)

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

I can’t walk down 52nd Street

Or park on 11th Avenue

All I see is us in cars

Smoking cigars 

Wishing the world could know what only we knew …

Do you miss me too?

I can’t stumble through the Village 

Or get coffee on the Upper West 

And If I drink my favorite martini 

I’m flooded with the memory of secrets we kept …

Do you miss me yet?

It’s the overlap 

Try to move forward, slipping two steps back  

Time cannot rewind the past 

So there’s overlap 

Between what we built and what’s collapsed

The overlap.

I can’t step in hotel bars

Or track faces in a carnival of crowds

And when the leaves begin to grow in spring 

I feel the sting, I’m struggling 

To accept why, and how. 

Do you miss me now? 

It’s the overlap 

Try to move forward, slipping two steps back  

Time cannot rewind the past 

So there’s overlap 

Between what we built and what’s collapsed

Oh which way is up

When we’re all just lost in the end?

We were so innocent

Did you miss me then? 

In the days of before  

When we were much more than pretend 

Did you miss me then?

It’s the overlap.

Time cannot rewind the past 

So there’s overlap 

Between what we built and what’s collapsed

The overlap.

Wish I Could Love You

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis, Justine Blazer, Nancy Deckant, Cory Lee Barker, Donna Burk

There’s no easy way 

To say this to you 

Somehow the wires got crossed

And now you feel confused

There’s nothing that you did 

Nothing that you didn't do                      

But my heart won’t let me rest

Til yours knows the truth

I wish I could love you

Wish I could feel the same

Cause the last thing that I wanna do is keep causing you pain

I wish I could love you

WIsh I could let you in

Oh I hate that I feel what I feel but I just can’t pretend

I wish I could love you

There’s somebody searching 

For someone like you 

And I know the hardest part 

Is all that we could lose

Oh I wish I could love you

I wish I could feel the same

Cause the last thing that I wanna do is keep causing you pain

I wish I could love you

I wIsh I could let you in

Oh I hate that I feel what I feel but I just can’t pretend

Oh I wish I could love you

It’s nothing that you did

Nothing that you didn’t do

But My heart won’t let me rest

Til yours knows the truth

I wish I could love you

Wish I could feel the same

Cause the last thing that I wanna do is keep causing you pain

Oh I wish that I could love you

I wish I could let you in

Oh I hate that I feel what I feel but I just can’t pretend

I wish I could love you

A Kiss Is Never a Mistake

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

A rose that’s arching homeward

As we lean in too close…

Where mystery meets reverie…

And every dreamer knows

That dawn it breaks, comes crashing in 

And there alone, awake

I’m missing the dark mischiefness of our imagined fates

Until then I’ll see you in my dreams

For there a kiss is never a mistake.

Lift coffee to my lips that yesterday lifted to you

Echoed words ring deafening as I take in morning’s view

Deny, deny through bleary eyes

Unraveled, unmanaged, unkempt

My heart’s not only broken, it’s bent. 

Until then I’ll see you in my dreams 

For there a kiss is never a mistake.

Part III — The Malediction

A Double Standard

Text by Frances Ellen Watkins Harper

Do you blame me that I loved him?

If when standing all alone

I cried for bread a careless world

Pressed to my lips a stone.

Do you blame me that I loved him,

That my heart beat glad and free,

When he told me in the sweetest tones

He loved but only me?

Can you blame me that I did not see

Beneath his burning kiss

The serpent’s wiles, nor even hear

The deadly adder hiss?

Can you blame me that my heart grew cold

That the tempted, tempter turned;

When he was feted and caressed

And I was coldly spurned?

Would you blame the world if it should press

On him a civic crown;

And see me struggling in the depth

Then harshly press me down?

Crime has no sex and yet to-day

I wear the brand of shame;

Whilst he amid the gay and proud

Still bears an honored name.

Can you blame me if I’ve learned to think

Your hate of vice a sham,

When you so coldly crushed me down

And then excused the man?

Would you blame me if to-morrow

The coroner should say,

A wretched girl, outcast, forlorn,

Has thrown her life away?

Yes, blame me for my downward course,

But oh! remember well,

Within your homes you press the hand

That led me down to hell.

The Devil I Knew

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Bells and whistles gave away

You were chasing a mistake.

Trouble was lured by the sound of stiff drinks and big pours 

Excuses and missed dates 

The darkest evening of the year

Was every time I thought you’d clear

Your scheduled pension for my attention undivided

Yet coinciding fates collided

Love is the one thing in life when you lose it

You doubt it existed

It’s maddening, it’s beauty, it’s cruel, it’s persistent

Just like you

The devil I knew.

When your heart silently tells the truth

The devil I know is the devil you knew

You warned me in advance, but I focused on sequels not previews

It’s always what I do. 

When discomfort is your comfort 

It’s tattooed on your skin

A bleeding scarlet letter

You’ve worn for years and stitched from within

You’ve sinned

We wagered a bet and folded again

When love is the one thing in life when you lose it you doubt it existed

It’s maddening, it’s beauty, it’s cruel, it’s persistent

Just like you.

I tried to wish it away, and wash the mistakes

Tried to escape that visceral ache

And it’s over now.  It’s over

Always lean on tomorrow escaping today

And now we’ve thrown it all away

And it’s over now. It’s over.

The devil I know is the devil you knew.

The devil you knew is the devil you know.

I tried to wish it away, and wash the mistakes

I tried to escape that visceral ache

And it’s over now.

Always relied on the sorrow, got used to the pain

But now it’s time to turn the page

And it’s over now. It’s over.

Love is the one thing in life 

When you lose it

You doubt it existed. 

All That’s Left

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Out of the blue, clear as day 

Giant decisions barreled my way 

At first I said yes 

As Father Time ticked 

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that simply wouldn’t quit. 

But we did celebrate (after I cried)

And we tried to figure out 

How we would all squeeze inside our

Tiny apartment with holes in the walls 

Still in my gut, I knew something was wrong 

How could I wish you away, maybe baby?

Love shaped as tragedy. Maybe Baby?

Maybe I’m foolish

And maybe I’m cruel

Now, maybe is all that’s left of you. 

Then late one night

Clear blue raged red 

And just as quick as it began 

It crashed to an end 

And there in that moment I held onto my grief

While quietly breathing in, feeling relief 

For having a choice 

A life that was mine. 

And as I scanned the scan again 

I saw past dotted lines

So I said goodbye before things could progress 

And a part of me felt numb 

While the other part wept.

That’s why I wished you away, maybe baby. 

Love shaped as tragedy, maybe? Baby?

Maybe I’m foolish 

And maybe I’m cruel 

Now, maybe is all that’s left of you. 

Maybe I’m foolish 

And maybe I knew 

And maybe someday, you’ll forgive me, too. 

Maybe I’m broken, 

And maybe I knew,

Maybe someday, you’ll forgive me, too.

Vice Versus

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Raise my glass to ghosts in the sky

Throwing back my fourth French 75

Every drop dulls the passing of time

Raise my glass it begins again

Toasting to the letters that I wont send

Anesthesia disguised as wine in my unquiet mind

Stretching the time 

When I get to the bottom, what will I find? 

Drinking again

My vice, versus

When I pretend, the vice worsens

You lit the match and I fed the flame

Now every bottle whispers your name 

Tonic loops mistakes on repeat

While my troubled sleep feels bittersweet

For when I’m awake I rewind the deceit

You wrecked the rules, left spells behind

Now I’m chasing shots with love misaligned

Shattered truth and illusions prove 

It all cuts like dull knives 

What a surprise 

It’s funny: memories and mirages collide 

I’m drinking again

It’s my vice, versus

When I pretend then the vice worsens

You lit the match and I fed the flame

Now every bottle whispers your name 

Drinking again

It’s my vice, versus

Heart that forget what the soul rehearses

Drowning slow in every sip 

Holding the bottle loosens your grip.

I’ve stitched my skin soft and delicate 

Still the sweetest songs mourn what’s left unsaid

Cover the clock and try to forget

I raise my glass and curse the past

Pour another back cause it never lasts 

Checkmate for the  games  we always meant to lose

There's a weakness in me

And a habit in you 

When I pick the best poisons, you’re my Kind of Blue

I’m drinking again

It’s my vice, versus

Trying to pretend but the vice worsens

You lit the match and I fed the flame

Now every bottle whispers your name 

Drinking again

It’s my vice, versus

Hearts forgets what the soul rehearses

Drowning slow in every sip 

Holding the bottle loosens your grip.

Part IV - The Reckoning

“I can wade Grief—” and “After great pain, a formal feeling comes—”

By Emily Dickinson

I can wade in Grief—

Whole Pools of it—

I’m used to that—

But the least push of Joy

Breaks up my feet—

And I tip—drunken—

Let no Pebble—smile—

’Twas the New Liquor—

That was all!

Power is only Pain—

Stranded, thro’ Discipline,

Till Weights—will hang—

Give Balm—to Giants—

And they’ll wilt—

Like Men—

After great pain, a formal feeling comes—

The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs—

The stiff Heart questions ‘was it He, that bore,’

And ‘Yesterday, or Centuries before’?

The Feet, mechanical, go round—

Of Ground, or Air, or Ought—

A Wooden way

Regardless grown, 

A Quartz contentment, like a stone—

This is the Hour of Lead—

Remembered, if outlived,

As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow—

First—Chill—then Stupor—then the letting go—

The Hardest Part

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis & Drew Angus

Put me through the fire

Dragged me through the mud

Never knew quite what is was 

And so I called it love 

Stumbled through the darkest nights 

And couldn’t see the stars

But now it’s become crystal clear

You’ve shown me who you are 

Friends tell me patience is all it’s gonna take 

And so I've waited and it’s driving me insane 

If time can heal and rearrange then why the hell does pain still cut the same?

Letting go’s the hardest part

But that’s the way I’ll mend my broken heart 

I hope freedom feels sweeter

Than trying to love a fool. 

My faith frequently fractured 

When you shattered every rule. 

You’ve worn your pride as medals 

Gold and greed caught in your eyes 

I can’t afford more loss of time

So I’ll sever the line. 

This is my goodbye 

Friends tell me patience is all it’s gonna take 

And so I've waited and it’s driving me insane 

If time can heal and rearrange then why the hell does pain still cut the same?

Letting go’s the hardest part

But that’s the way I’ll mend my broken heart 

Watch as I relearn how to stand

Without the weight of your hand 

Salt on my lips and truth in my glass 

Carve these words into stone

As I take my pride back. 

Friends tell me patience is all that we need

But the waiting has me crawling on my knees

If time can rearrange the pain then why does it still linger just the same? 

Letting go is the hardest part. 

But that’s the way I’ll mend my broken heart. 

Letting go’s the hardest part.  

It Never Goes Away

Words & Music: Jesse Harris & Nicole Zuraitis

It never goes away 

No matter how I try

I struggle every day

The nighttime through the sunshine 

It never goes away 

Oh what a fool was I

To think that you would stay 

Each nighttime through sunshine 

I can’t fake it 

To make it real

You’re really gone I know 

I can’t take it 

Don’t want to feel a thing 

But must be strong I know  

But it never goes away 

How can I forget 

I thought I heard you say

That we would be in love for always 

Let Us Hang

Words & Music: Walter Becker & Larry Klein

So you see

This old world can be a dark and lonely place

Jealous rage, vain ambition 

Well you can read them on every face

All those well worn dreams

Best intentions

Don’t they all seem to go astray

So here I am 

Little darling

At the end of a live long day

Let us hang like there's no tomorrow

Let us hang like there's just one night

Let us see, can we hang together in the morning light 

Settle down 

I’ll light a candle 

There's a moon in the sky tonight 

Big and round, fine and mellow

Now, tell me that ain’t a lovely sight

It’s you and me and this bottle 

Of your favorite muscadet

Take your time

There's no worry

This is wine, let it breathe a spell 

While we hang just like juicy peaches

Hanging low on an old peach tree

Just let go of your cares and troubles

Let them hang down on me 

Let’s call tonight a lovers fable

Pretty pictures on every page

I can show you if you let me 

All the wisdom of my young age

The time is right, the food is plenty

And it’s just begging us to partake 

So why deny its so easy

It’s almost more than a heart can take 

Let us hang in the wind and weather

Let us hang while they play our song

Let us hang til the twelfth of never

If it takes that long

Part V— THE REQUIEM

Fatal Interview

Text: Edna St. Vincent Millay; Additional Music & Adaptation: Nicole Zuraitis

I know my mind and I have made my choice;

Not from your temper does my doom depend;

Love me or love me not, you have no voice

In this, which is my portion to the end.

Your presence and your favours, the full part

That you could give, you now can take away:

What lies between your beauty and my heart

Not even you can trouble or betray.

Mistake me not — unto my inmost core

I do desire your kiss upon my mouth;

They have not craved a cup of water more.

That bleach upon the deserts of the south;

Here might you bless me; what you cannot do

Is bow me down, who have been loved by you. 

Pity me not the waning of the moon,

Nor that the ebbing tide goes out to sea

This have I known always: Love is no more

Than the wide blossom which the wind assails,

Than the great tide that treads the shifting shore,

Strewing fresh wreckage gathered in the gales:

Pity me that the heart is slow to learn

What the swift mind beholds at every turn.

"Is something the matter, dear," she said, 

"That you sit at your work so silently?" 

"No, mother, no—'it was a knot in my thread. 

There goes the kettle—I'll make the tea

Back to You

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis

Wrapped up in my head 

Everything is blurry

Quick fix instead, really what’s the hurry

My notebook and mind stuck in a loop

Am I inside or out

Feel the pressure mounting

Ten ways, reroute

But really who’s counting

When I’m broken all the way through

But there’s hope in the heartache and love in the wine

Battling myself like the tooth of a crime

Even with blinders I know what I’ll do 

Run back to you

Always

Right back to you 

I’ll run back to you 

A predicted surprise

Plain sight on my sleeve

A tinder box for a pair of thieves

Light a match and watch this concept burn

Defining insane

Going through the motions

Same shit same brain

Where’s my magic potion

Tricking me to see the lessons learned…

But I still find 

Hope in the heartbreak and love in the wine

Running in circles everytime 

Choose to face forward I know what to do…

Run back to you. 

Always

Right back to you. 

I’ll run back to you. 

Stop pulling away again

I fold up the pages

Lay these thoughts to rest

Stop pulling away again.

But there’s hope in the heartache and love in the wine

Battling myself like the tooth of a crime

Even with blinders I know what I’ll do 

Run back to you

Right back to you 

Always

I’ll run back to you.

I Get Along Without You Very Well

Words & Music: Hoagy Carmichael; Text: Jane Brown Thompson; Arrangement: Nicole Zuraitis & Vince Mendoza

I get along without you very well

Of course I do

Except when soft rains fall

And drip from leaves that I recall

The thrill of being sheltered in your arms

Of course I do

But I get along without you very well

I've forgotten you just like I should

Of course I have

Except to hear your name

And someone's laugh that is the same

But I've forgotten you just like I should

What a guy

What a fool am I

To think my breaking heart can kid the moon

What's in store?

Can I phone once more?

No, it's best if I stick to my tune

I get along without you very well

Of course I do

Except perhaps in spring

But I should never think of spring

For that would surely break my heart in two

Epilogue

Words & Music: Nicole Zuraitis; The Crystal Gazer- Sara Teasdale

I shall gather myself into myself again,

I shall take my scattered selves and make them one,

Fusing them into a polished crystal ball

Where I can see the moon and the flashing sun.

Mirror, here’s the truth. 

I’ve answered the dare.  

For The devil I knew

is still alive in there.